I need help while going through sink or swim with my business

I’m going to try to keep it as short as possible.

To be clear - I have never done any proper meditation, I did try couple of times but never got hooked on it. I do trust that people who share their testimonies while exploring spirituality are not making stuff up and I’m completely respectful of their experiences and beliefs.

I had the roughest few years. I decided to open a tiny coffee shop in 2017 and since then I have never really had any sense of security. One could argue that the reason for my stressful life is the shop itself but I feel it’s more about the mistakes I made throughout the time since I opened.

My shop is the most important thing for me but it is true that I struggle financially - it all started when the pandemic hit. If I’ve known what’s about to come - I would close it. But I had no idea on how long the whole thing is going to last. Before it ended - this huge rebuild of the old market square in my town (where I’m located) started and it kept going for another 2 years. So 4 years of struggle (so many business in the area closing down as well).

I made the decision to see how 2025 goes and if it doesn’t get any better - close the shop. First few months were rough but then all of the sudden it’s gotten amazing, mainly to increased tourists numbers in my city. Temporary stabilization allowed me to successfully tame my depression and focus on getting the most out of the sudden increase in sales. Paralelly I started looking into possible undiagnosed adhd which put so many pieces together and gave me incredible tools that allowed me to function much better (especially with dealing with execution paralysis and all that comes with it).

Summer ended and the shop became visibly less busy, but I decided to add new elements to my menu (breakfast options, until now we only sold baked goods) to try to attract new customers and increase the revenue. All the changes came on top of regular load that comes with running a coffee shop with in-house baked cakes. I do not work there by myself, I have to have staff (too many hours and too many varying tasks for one person if it’s to be done properly and with consistent quality), but I still work behind the bar somewhere between 50-60 hrs a week (plus admin work at home).

The decision time is coming, my financial situation is rough, I’m in debt with people constantly calling asking when are they going to get their money back (which is fair completely, not trying to downplay that), my livelihood is not secure at all and I can feel I’m about to start spiraling down.

I could use with some tools to help me stay focused, grounded and not be self-destructive (as in emotional and verbal auto-aggression).

These past few years were ROUGH (two unhealthy relationships, constant fear of losing business/becoming homeless, lack of space and energy for any selflove kind of things, mental and physical exhaustion) but I do need to focus now and try to squeeze out as much as I can from what I’ve built so far. Good thing is - my shop is tiny so I don’t need to start making millions to make it sustainable and be able to keep up with regular costs and managing my debts and this summer has shown me it is completely doable. But few quiet weeks are enough to completely strip me off any optimism and make me frozen and unable to focus. And I can’t be frozen - I need to work on trying to get new customers to come in and also - running such thing requires constant micro-decision making and dealing with bigger issues on a daily basis as well.

I decided to ask for help in here because I would like to try to get in a headspace in which my nervous system eases down a bit. I also would like to end with the self hatred because I do deep down know I am worthy, but struggle with actually believing in it, even when I do know that kicking someone down in such crucial moment of their lives isn’t helpful at all so I should know better that being cruel to myself.

What can I do to look for feeling grounded, to clear my head, stop the mind-spinning and remind myself of my self worth?

If anyone has managed to get through this long post and is willing to try to help me - I’m so, so appreciative. 🙏🏻