[Satire]The π-verse Theory

Abstract. We present the ultimate proof that the universe is not made of particles, strings, or fields, but entirely of the constant π, which is not a “number” but the fundamental substance of reality.

Introduction

Conventional physics has failed. Einstein was wrong, Newton was merely a raisin in the pudding of history, and Planck’s constant is just poorly measured π-noise.

The suspicious ubiquity of π — in circles, in waves, in quantum mechanics — can no longer be ignored. Clearly, π is not a number: it is the universe itself.

Methodology

Our theory is based on a single axiom:

Universe = π

π propagates at the speed of light.

When one π collides with another π, their parallel protrusions bend at 90° and form the coordinate axes x–y.

When π continues moving and shifts by another 90°, the z dimension emerges. Thus, space itself is nothing but the stacked outcome of π-collisions.

Results

Space is the byproduct of π-deformation.

Time is the rate of π changing orientation.

Gravity is not curvature of spacetime but a π twisted into the shape of a banana.

Black holes are regions where π temporarily ceases to be irrational and pretends to be rational.

Discussion

This theory solves every outstanding problem in physics, which physicists could never solve because they never dared to admit that they were calculating with a number that is, in fact, reality itself.

Coordinate systems are merely monuments to past π-collisions.
An electron is nothing more than a crumpled π-hat.

Conclusion

No further physics is needed. Only π.

Anyone who disagrees is merely the victim of a linear approximation of their own π.